MP (militarypenguin) wrote,

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Using my livejournal as a confession booth

So, for those not in the know, I've been big into Mob Psycho this year. I gushed about it a bit a while back, and those feelings have remained unchanged. I haven't felt this passionately about an anime series since Kaiji, and I can say without shame that it's one of the best things that's happened to me this year.

It's also one of the worst things that's happened to me this year because oh no, I fell for the problematic ship.

The problematic ship in question being Mob/Reigen.

I really, really wasn't counting on this! For so long, I was happy to finally be invested in a platonic relationship to the same degree I'd been invested in past romantic relationships. And I do still love it on a platonic level.

I'm still not sure where I went astray. Was it a result of reverse psychology, of all the "Don't ship Mob/Reigen" posts I'd seen? Was it all the amazing fanart I'd seen of grownup Mob with Reigen? Was it my old teenage flame of age gap and mentor/student ships that I'd thought had flickered out returning? All of the above? I'm still not sure.

But god help me, I've fallen hard for it. It's been years since I've poured over so much fanfic for a ship without the necessary spices of kink to hold my attention, and the only reason I haven't cleared out the entire Mob/Reigen section on AO3 yet has been to avoid manga spoilers (I'm waiting for that season 3 announcement, Bones).

I want to write for it so badly and I want to connect with others who are into it so badly but--

It's hard. I empathize with those who don't want to see this pairing, ever, and wish to remain in a bubble where no one's entertained the possibility of them being together, no matter what the circumstances are. I get it, I really do.

But I'm also tired of having to keep something I'm deeply invested in to myself. It's going to sound overdramatic of me, but it's honestly a painful and lonely experience, not being able to connect with others over a love of something because you're terrified of the current fandom climate's aggressive tendency to assume your morality based on your fictional preferences and spread that assumption like wildfire.

The variation of it I'm most invested in isn't even one where Mob's a kid; it's after he and Reigen have been apart for a few years and they reconnect when he's adult, with a lot of wishy-washy guilty feelings on Reigen's end and pushing from Mob's. This isn't an attempt for me to save face and say "Hey don't worry! I'm not one of those 'weird' fans!" either--I'm aware there's going to be an underlying weirdness to it no matter what (the first time Reigen ever sees Mob is when the latter is eleven, after all). But! But.

Do I get up the courage to reblog/RT fanart on tumblr/twitter? Do I make a post/tweet saying "Hey heads up I love Mob/Reigen and if you're uncomfortable with that that's cool you can blacklist/mute Mobrei"? Do I want to see a bunch of "you can't see this tweet because you have been blocked" messages? Do I want to risk friendships? Is there anyone on this site who wants to talk Mob/Reigen. I'm. I'm lonely.
Tags: mob psycho 100
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