I’ve been hesitant to make this sort of entry for a while now, but I need to let it out. Plus, it’s National Coming Out Day, and I figure there isn’t a better time to come out of the closet about this. A brief snippet of what’s going to be said behind the lj-cut: it has nothing to do with my sexuality (which I’m comfortable with) but how I feel about my gender.
I’ve been gender confused since I was a kid, and didn’t realize it til I was about fifteen. This was because I didn’t even know those issues existed. I just acted like a girl because I thought that’s what was expected of me and if I rejected it, I wouldn’t be socially accepted. I remember that in Kindergarten I was feeling awkward because while all the girls were into the Disney princesses and the color pink, I was always more about the action heroes and reptiles. Actually, looking back, I’m not sure if I was worried about myself feeling awkward or them feeling awkward having to hang around someone not in touch with their gender.
This issue, along with my having to repeat Kindergarten due to my nonverbal learning disability (it was a goddamn NIGHTMARE being the oldest kid in the classes), wasn’t helping me in trying to fit in.
Today, I no longer care about fitting in, but this hasn’t ended the issue. Now I’m living a more masculine lifestyle–both in the way I act and dress. Or I’m trying to. By this, I mean because nowadays, it seems society’s definitions of what’s masculine and what’s feminine are becoming increasingly inconsistent. Some guy’ll act a certain way that others’ll percieve as “girly”. While the comment’s usually meant to be a joke, it still gets me feeling self-conscious about whether I’m masculine enough. The answer’s usually “Yes”, as a lot of people I’ve ran into mistakened me for being a guy, but somehow, it’s still not enough.
I want to be in boxing competitions in the future–but I want to be fighting against guys.
But I can’t. Because I’m a fucking girl. I don’t have the right body for the job, and guys nowadays just can’t get into a serious fist fight with a girl.
I know there’s ways to get a sex change, but I can’t tell if I even want that.
The more I think about this, the more beating up myself sounds like the best idea. Out of depression, out of frustration, out of the fact that I can’t beat the lights out of that one guy because no matter how much of an asshole he is I’ll be the one who’ll have their ass in trouble no matter how much he deserved it.
I just want to kill myself, but I don’t know what’s coming after death. Everyone’s got a different take on it, and I don’t know who’s right. And then I get the reminder that it’d be a selfish thing to do and
Fuck, I have no idea WHAT I’m supposed to do.
Lots of cussing. I was trying to assert myself as a tough guy! Who thought he couldn’t be a guy. It wasn’t until 2011 I’d learn that, no, you don’t need a sex change or to legalize your gender in order to be that gender. I think I was also just perpetually afraid I wasn’t “man” enough to call myself a man–years of frequenting 4chan where manliness was fixated on and where I’d assumed an identity of a man but was constantly afraid that if I slipped and didn’t seem “man” enough that I’d be “found out”…it kind of fucks you up.
This part in particular struck me: looking back, I’m not sure if I was worried about myself feeling awkward or them feeling awkward having to hang around someone not in touch with their gender. For whatever reason, I’d completely forgotten about this, even though it was such a driving force behind why I suddenly presented as feminine (this was around middle school), even when I wasn’t comfortable with it. All the birthday parties of girls I’d attended with feminine activities (nail painting, for example) I wasn’t interested in told me, Oh no, I’m doing something wrong, I need to change my behavior, it’s part of growing up, right? Astute observation, 17-year-old-me!
I can’t beat the lights out of that one guy because no matter how much of an asshole he is I’ll be the one who’ll have their ass in trouble no matter how much he deserved it.
I don’t know who this is referring to. Could be the guy who said something weirdly, hatefully homophobic in class, could be the other guy who’d spout memes on a regular basis and had unhygienic habits. A mystery. I’m not even sure if I really “wanted” to beat someone up at this time so much as I, again, wanted to assert some rugged masculine language.
Should probably note I’m using the huge air quotes when referring to “masculine” and “feminine” behavior and subjects; I know that, in reality, we can’t slide things perfectly into slots like that, gender norms are social constructs, etc. But I trust those reading this will understand what I mean.
And I guess that’s my Coming Out story for the year.
I’d still like to be in boxing competitions, but fear of losing teeth has outweighed that desire.